Where Is My Mind?
by she dreamt she was a bulldozer she dreamt she was from outerspace
Summary: slipping further into the psychie of a madman...


Where Is My Mind?  
-----------sdswabdsdswfos 

Genre: Angst, Romance, Drama, Humor...?  
Rating: R  
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi, its characters, or anything associated with it. This fanfic was written for entertainment purposes only, and no copyright infringement is intended.  
-----------Stop

"Now remind me again, why I should change for you?" the words were on his lips and out of his mouth before he could stop them.

She breaks their embrace, startled. The words had stung her heart like a needle. Unlike her lover, she slowly considers each of her words before she says them. "You love me, you told me so yesterday, and the day before..." She trails off.

He wasn't paying attention. He was staring right through her. He did that sometimes. He could be looking right at her and not even see her. She hated when he did that. It really freaked her out.

His lips were moving, like he was reading something, but he wasn't saying anything. She stares at his mouth and tries to figure out what he's saying.

"Craig, I'm serious this time. We have to have this conversation. You said things would change; -you- would change, when we got serious. Well, I'm as serious about this relationship as I'll ever get, but you... you are just -you-. Still."

Craig bits hislip. "So you finally figured me out, Ash. Glad you did. I was beginning to think you were a bit of an idiot." He slides off the couch they had been sitting on, gently pushing Ashley away from him as he did. Craig lies down on the floor spread eagle, right in front of Ashley's feet.

Ashley's fine eyebrows lift as if asking for more of an explanation.

"I told you," Craig observes. "I told you we wouldn't work out on the first date, remember?"

"-of course I remember." Ashley's eyes narrow slightly, "I thought you were only joking..."

"I never joke, Ash," Craig smiles. "You should have learned that by now. Life isn't fun to me, so why should I enjoy it? You've heard that all before. Remember my depression? That was all I would talk about. Killing myself..."

Craig sighs. "But you were always there on the phone, telling me not to. You were good old reliable Ashley; always there by my side through thick and thin." He stares up at the ceiling and murmurs. "I should have gone through with it."

Ashley leans down and puts a hand on Craig's ankle. "No," she says firmly. "Remember the hospital? You don't want to go back their do you?"

"No, I guess not." He looks at Ashley. "Good thing you covered for me, eh? Telling those kids's I tripped over -what was it? A guitar? Yeah that's it. And they actually believed it!" Craig kicks Ashley's hand off of his ankle. "Don't touch me," he adds.

She frowns, but complies and leans back against the couch. Ashley folds her hands in her lap and crosses her legs.

A silence crosses the room. All is quiet except for the steady breathing of the two teens. Finally, Ashley gets the nerve and asks, "You didn't really mean what you said earlier? About you and me –about us?"

Craig grins up at Ashley. "Of course I did! And to clear things up a little better - there never really was an 'us'. It was just you and me. Separate individuals who sometimes found themselves together in the same bed every once and a while." After the briefest of pauses, his smile grows wider and he adds, "At least the sex was good, right?"

Ashley's face pales. In a hushed whisper she says, "Quiet! My mom is only in the next room!" She glances around, and she adds, "You promised you wouldn't say anything again about that!"

Craig's smile grows to a smirk and he shifts into a sitting position, still on the floor. "Perfec' wittle Ashie doesn't want to get in trouble?" He mocks. "Well Craig loves it when his Ashie-Bear is in trouble, so I guess you'll have to suffer." He stands up and stretches out his arms and legs.

"What are you going to do Craig?" asks Ashley, her voice level.

He laughs. "You'll just have to wait and see Ash, just like all the others."

"Others?" questioned Ashley.

"Yes others," Craig replies. "Do you think I'm going to let our little escapades go unknown? Nope, Ashley Kerwin is going to become Degrassi's newest slut. I can see the Grapevine headlines now 'Goth Chick Does It Everywhere and Anywhere!'" Craig points suggestively. "But who's to say I haven't told anyone already? For all you know, those pictures -you know the pictures I'm talking about- are in the Degrassi Computer Network in a folder labeled 'English Project' for any 'a horny lad to look at?"

"Craig, that's vile!"

"Yeah I am," he offers her a crooked smile. "But you wouldn't have it any other way, would you?"

She shakes her head. "Why, Craig?" Ashley's eyes are watering. "Why are you doing this? You're my boyfriend!"

"I don't have any friends!" Craig snaps. "That's another thing I told you earlier. Nobody likes me. Nobody should ever like me." He pauses for a moment, and then adds in a deadly calm voice, "Stay away from me Ash. I don't ever want to talk to you again. Never."

"Why?" Ashley breathes out again.

Craig laughs cynically. "You wouldn't understand. You -couldn't- understand." He shakes his head but continues anyway. "I'm just dead inside and I didn't even know it 'til yesterday."

"Yesterday?" Ashley laughs gently. "Craig, I figured that out months ago. No one could be as cold and uncaring as you." She stops when she sees his startled look, and then continues. "But I still want to be with you!"He frowns and shakes his head. "You really don't get it." Craig sighs. "I don't like you. I never have. You're good for one thing and guess what that is?" He makes another rude gesture. "I'm leaving now, and I'm never coming back."

Craig leans down to his ex. He whispers into her ear, "If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living. I've changed, Ash, but not the way you wanted me to." He kisses her one last time then says softly, "I'm gone." Craig turns and leaves the room.

Ashley Kerwin sits on the couch for a few minutes before she, too, flees the room. She runs up the stairs to her own room. Ashley crawls into her bed and slips into a familiar position. She cries herself to sleep wishing that it was all one horrible nightmare.

But it isn't. This -is- her life and it is very real.


End file.
